I was molested by my brother for about 7 or 8 years. Over the course of those years he use to let his best friend abuse me. The older I got, the more I thought it was normal.

Until I had a break and asked my mother why did she turn a blind eye to what was happening, but she still denies till this day of having any knowledge. Even though she caught him doing me one night.

I am almost forty and ashamed to say that he was my first orgasm and that I have not experienced pleasure with anyone else. It makes me feel sick, disgusting and worthless.

Recently, I been disconnected, loss and unfeeling and am afraid my relationship of 6 years is suffering. I don't know what to do or how to work through these things. It's so hard. I love Master very deeply and he knows I need pain to kill my internal conflicts.

I just embarrassed, I want to be normal.

 
Posted by Anonymous
 

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It's a very emotional traumatizing thing to go through for a young girl, to be used for someone's sexual gratification is the most selfish act that can be done. Sometimes I'm embarrassed of my gender. I wouldn't feel any guilt because you orgasm and enjoyed the sexual act, I believe that it's quite common in female rape victims to be sexually aroused during the attack, the vagina automatically lubricates it's self. It's not something that they can control. I don't see a problem with you enjoying the sexual act its self, I could be a defence mechanism. You need to accept the terrible things that happened to you, and be stronger than ever before. It wasn't anything that was your fault. It wasn't anything wrong that you did. Your brother should be experiencing the feelings you have. If it was myself, I would confront both my mother and my brother.Tell them what internal struggles they have caused you, fight back and tell the whole world what happened to you. Cause your brother some pain, the emotional trauma he will feel when people find out that he is a pedophile who sexually abused his baby sister. Why should he get away scott free, after what he did to your mental well being along with the physical abuse to your body. But that's my way of thinking, exposing it and bringing it into the open might be a good thing for you. Instead of keeping it hidden deep inside yourself, letting it out could do wonders for your feelings of shame and embarrassment. Don't expect to be normal, be who you are and own it.
 

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