I'm scared of myself. My family has a history of depression, and I'm afraid that I might inherit it. I don't think I have depression. I love who I am, and a lot of times I am so happy with my life and I love everything about it, but other times....

Other times I feel like crap. I feel like crawling in a whole and forgetting about the world. I just wish everything could go away. I am always stressed out. I always have someone to impress because my greatest fear is letting down my loved ones. And today my younger sister got accepted into a college level math program, and I have always been the smart one. So, now I feel inclined to test out of my next level of math in school. I have been working on it for a while, but now I feel like I have to because otherwise my younger sister is going to pass me up and my parents will never let me live it down. They will do it as a joke, but they will tease my about how stupid I am and how I'm not good enough. They don't realize it, but this hurts so much.

Do you know how much it hurts when your mom calls you a bitch? Do you know how it feels when your dad rants about how stupid you are and how you aren't good enough? Do you know how much it crushes you when your parents rub in your face how much better everyone is than you and when they tell you: this is what your life is going to be and you don't have a choice, you don't get to choose how you are? Do you know how this kills me?

I love who I am, and I know that they love me, but they don't really know me. I will hear them talking to family or friends about someone and about what's wrong with them. How that person doesn't have enough self esteem or how someone gossips too much, and they'll talk about their points of view on something and they'll say how they hate that other people refuse to see it from their point of view. I hate that sometimes when they list the things that they don't like about someone, they don't realize that they created a child with those same attributes, me....

They don't know who I really am. No one does. I have tried to open up to people, but they just don't get it. I hope they understand, but I really don't think they do. I know I'm complicated. What human being isn't? I know I have flaws. Who doesn't? 

Or am I just insane? Am I going crazy from stress and anxiety? Am I slowly dying from the need to impress my loved ones?

This is why I am scared. I am scared from uncertainty. I don't know what I'm feeling, what I want, who I am, or what I should do. I don't think I have depression, but I just want to feel okay again.

I want the world to make sense again.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I'm scared.

 
Posted by Anonymous
 

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