I'm scared of myself. My family has a history of depression, and I'm afraid that I might inherit it. I don't think I have depression. I love who I am, and a lot of times I am so happy with my life and I love everything about it, but other times....

Other times I feel like crap. I feel like crawling in a whole and forgetting about the world. I just wish everything could go away. I am always stressed out. I always have someone to impress because my greatest fear is letting down my loved ones. And today my younger sister got accepted into a college level math program, and I have always been the smart one. So, now I feel inclined to test out of my next level of math in school. I have been working on it for a while, but now I feel like I have to because otherwise my younger sister is going to pass me up and my parents will never let me live it down. They will do it as a joke, but they will tease my about how stupid I am and how I'm not good enough. They don't realize it, but this hurts so much.

Do you know how much it hurts when your mom calls you a bitch? Do you know how it feels when your dad rants about how stupid you are and how you aren't good enough? Do you know how much it crushes you when your parents rub in your face how much better everyone is than you and when they tell you: this is what your life is going to be and you don't have a choice, you don't get to choose how you are? Do you know how this kills me?

I love who I am, and I know that they love me, but they don't really know me. I will hear them talking to family or friends about someone and about what's wrong with them. How that person doesn't have enough self esteem or how someone gossips too much, and they'll talk about their points of view on something and they'll say how they hate that other people refuse to see it from their point of view. I hate that sometimes when they list the things that they don't like about someone, they don't realize that they created a child with those same attributes, me....

They don't know who I really am. No one does. I have tried to open up to people, but they just don't get it. I hope they understand, but I really don't think they do. I know I'm complicated. What human being isn't? I know I have flaws. Who doesn't? 

Or am I just insane? Am I going crazy from stress and anxiety? Am I slowly dying from the need to impress my loved ones?

This is why I am scared. I am scared from uncertainty. I don't know what I'm feeling, what I want, who I am, or what I should do. I don't think I have depression, but I just want to feel okay again.

I want the world to make sense again.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I'm scared.

Posted by Anonymous



User ratings


Add comment


More secrets

I have a friend who cuts herself and says its addicting...

I have a friend who cuts herself and says its addicting should I tell the school  counciler?


What am I doing HERE! I ain't got no business HERE! Ohhhh HERE! I ask myself what am I doing HERE! Oh GOD why am HERE! N I can't wait to break up outta HERE!

Today i had jealous about a friend, like he plays guitar...

Today i had jealous about a friend, like he plays guitar much much better than me, sometimes i think he wants to show up, but maybe i am jealous and i think it and he is just playing.... sometimes i feel angry too, looks like for me he is the favourite of the class....I feel rejected or humiliated... even look to him I can't, i feel really down....

The soul is dead,...

The soul is dead,



Love is the most pleasant feeling

When two people share it equally,

It is destructive when one has blindly fallen,

Other takes the advantage of the blind and one day leaves that pathetic helpless soliloquy.

The ghost sits in a deserted room haunted by the phantoms of past

One fine day a hand outreaches that soul for help 

How could it trust if it was real at all when it has seen the worst from life before. 

Every thing seems vague even the material living body to that ghost,

Who had suffered in life the most. 

Love fades away if is true, why has mine increased in spite of the scornful wounds of the beloved?

Read Full Secret

Don't feel so good anymore

I don't feel like working anymore, doing job and going on with the world. I have been staying in my home comfort for nothing for quiet some time. I have bad feelings like i have some kind of illness in me.

Except for my sisters and a few others

I feel like, except for my sisters and a few others, I'm the only single person I know. Everyone else is dating, engaged, married, and/or pregnant. Maybe that's because most of my friends are older than me anyway, but I've never had a boyfriend, and I know people who are younger than me who are dating, engaged, and/or pregnant (not that I envy pregnant teens or anything, but you get the point). It drives me crazy that all I ever see on social media is another friend who got married. I'll never settle for a guy, but I fear my standards are too high. I'm just worried my turn to walk down the aisle and start my own family will never come.  

Too easy to hide

I'm 30 years old and I still cut. I have never lied about it. I don't even talk about it in the past tense, everyone just assumes.

On the surface, my life seems quite happy, straight A’s,...

On the surface, my life seems quite happy, straight A’s, lots of friends and a happy family. But underneath, it's sad. At least to me it is. I only have one real best friend and about 2 real friends. One of my “friends” is a total jerk that ditches me all the time. Another “friend” complains about everything and keeps trying to suspended someone just because they're annoying. A group of my “friends” are keeping a former “friend” out of their group for literally no reason. That's all pretty messed up and annoying. And I would tell those “friends” that I don't want to be friends anymore, but they're all friends with my best friend, and if I told them I didn't want to be friends, my only best friend would ditch me. I also have the fear of being forgotten or abandoned. I often feel alone since I can't tell anyone this, because they won't understand. My life is pretty boring other than that. I'm scared that since I'm boring, my best friend will abandon me. I'm also...

Read Full Secret

My husband Beat Me 2 months ago and I left him...

My husband Beat Me 2 months ago and I left him and now I need sex so badly I almost want him back. I feel like I could pick up a dozen men in a bar and it wouldn't be enough. But I feel guilty wanting this.

I got kicked out of my circle of friends when I was 17...

I got kicked out of my circle of friends when I was 17 for causing too many problems. Most of them are the kind of people anyone sensible would have outgrown during their college years, and replaced with better friends. That's what I would have preferred, instead I was ostracized and it was very traumatic for me. A few years down the line I'd gotten so bad I needed anti-depressants and therapy sessions because I wasn't going to class, mostly because I was convinced that everyone there hated me. I'm 28 now, got better and am able to go out in public everyday without freaking out. I finished school and have the start of a good career going for me. However I never really managed to replace my worthless friends. I have work friends and I have family members I do things with. I'm seemingly incapable of forming stronger bonds with people because I'm afraid of a repeat performance. In terms of my social life there's a 10+ year gap that would be really hard to explain if anyone wanted to...

Read Full Secret

Sneaking around with my manager

I'm sneaking around with my manager. As if that wasn't bad enough, he has a girl friend. I don't like what I'm doing and I would judge someone else if they were in my position, but I can't get enough of him. So far it's only been kissing & touching, but we are talking about having sex. I'm confused as hell if it is the right thing to do.

Need a sign

God, if you do not want me to be an escort, please give a sign. I need to know.